Everybody Gets That Itch, Everybody Hates That…

I almost canceled this post, but when you tell kids, your gonna do something you do it! And nobody knows that better than The Jonas Brothers. I actually listened to the full album titled Lines Vines and Trying Times, which clocked in under 48 min not to hard to listen to. Today however thinking about the album I am very confused…so I took to the net to investigate this album a little more. Inspiration for the album includes Elvis Costello, The Zutons, Neil Diamond, and Kings of Leon. Now before we get all upset at the brothers for name dropping some respectable musical talent they could never hope to even come close to, lets read that last inspiration again: Kings of Leon? Come on bros don’t sell yourselves short! Even though I would fuck half of the Kings before touching any of you three…ah hell I guess I’d rather do the entire Kings roster before you guys, but you Jonas should not be citing the Kings as inspiration. Yeah, yeah the Kings have been in the bizz for about 6 years but really we just have started hearing about them, after they of course sold out and had their music featured on Gossip Girl. No! Joe Bros! That is not somewhere you should be looking for inspiration…but I don’t really know where you should exactly look either.

The album is somewhat all over the place, There is what I can only assume is meant to be funk( horns and strings galore), there is an attempt at rock (serious shrieking all throughout) and of course some scandalous crime scene getaway also the alluding to the word Bitch! Yeah I’m still not getting this album. The Bros described it as the same old Joe bros with some growth, and while I understand the dangers of a Disney star growing up I’m still left with a bad taste in my mouth…or ears. In Poison Ivy the bros talk about some bitch that did them wrong, the lyrics go everybody gets that itch everybody hates that…and the song trails off…I have a feeling they are about to say snitch since the bros are starting to have the mentality of rap stars, more on this later.

Recently at the MTV LOGO New Now Next Awards, Miley Cyrus was given the Ruining PopCulture award. Nice right? Except how she was able to beat out the Jonas is beyond me. They should have shared it actually. On the album track Before The Storm (featuring Miley herself) the lyrics are a wet dream for any correspondent of E! News or Access Extra Insider Tonight (shout out to Joel McHale!) Miley used to date the brothers (well only one of them but let’s just give the bros writing material for the next record by starting a new rumor here and now) and then they broke up blah blah, Miley started seeing an older man, then BAM! She started working on the track with the bros and sending cryptic tweets about falling in love with three brothers (again not really but you get the idea) And Then! This week to coincide with the release of Lines Vines and Trying Times, Miley and older man are O.V.E.R. oh those sneaky little bastards. Also on the Albums most confusing track Much Better the brothers take a dig at Taylor Swift who they all used to date as well, probably at the same time as Miley. And here we have the Jonas being much like rappers with their beefs! Much Better claims the brothers have found a better girlfriend than Swift, but they are steal gonna choose to get into fights with the new girlfriend every chance they get…W.T.Fuck?

All the angst and rap star debauchery come to a climax in Don’t Charge Me For The Crime featuring Common (oh come on Common! What. The. Eff are you doing here?) With the bros speeding away from a crime scene begging us over and over again to not blame them for something or another…I wonder if the crime scene is in fact Swifts vagina and the crime is a baby? On second thought Jonas maybe you should look to the Kings of Leon for inspiration, and maybe I should be working for E! After deciphering the secret message of Don’t Charge Me For The Crime.

Album Grade: D

I Got That Rock and Roll, That Future Flow

I giggle sometimes, like when someone says balls, or dick…maybe even if a small child falls down. Lately there has been a lot that I have been giggling about, Kings of Leon(which is what this post was almost an album review of), crappy Pop stars doing electro/techno music that really isn’t electro/techno at all (see previous post “Collision“), Vampires, etc. One thing however that is NOT funny, it is actually serious business, is Religion. So this week when I had “nada” of an idea of what music to review I found a new artist, his name is Simon Curtis, well lookie there another Simon! And even though his album was titled “Alter Boy”…I figured this cute lil’ queer would have some good beats…good beats indeed! Beats that used to belong to Britney, Michael Jackson, And Mr. Timberlake, before this poor man’s American Idol queer reject stole them and decided to be ~controversial~ by singing about Virgin Madonna Queen of Pop (almost as clever as Madge herself right?) and “no touchy the alter boy” along with some spoken prayers over dance floor beats. I was frankly Horrified that The all powerful Lord Almighty was going to strike me down…not for listening to blasphemous music, more like for listening to some straight up fucking piece of shit music. Rich people should not be allowed to make music, case in point: Lady Gaga (see last post “Prostitution Is the World’s Oldest Profession (and I, Dear Madame, Am a Professional”)

Now take a step back remember this: crappy Pop stars doing electro/techno music that really isn’t electro/techno at all? Well here we have made it to The Black Eyed Peas, whose new album The E.N.Ddrops next Tuesday. Now don’t get too excited it is not the end at all…it’s more like The.Energy.Never.Dies (rememeber the good days when I was the only clever bitch in town?) The B.E.P. have decided they are going to promote their new album as electro/techno…why do people in music gotta fuck with me? (yeah Christina your upcoming Electro/Techno album ain’t safe either.)

I’ll give it to The B.E.P. they are safe, very safe. This new electro  “phase” will sell with high school kids big on the house parties, and people who like to fuck each other after a night of drinking down at the local ”on the down low” swingers bar.  There is Electro/Techno in the album don’t get me wrong, “recycled electro/techno” which is just as cheapas Fergie…”Boom Boom Pow” is easy to Dance to and the obvious first single, where B.E.P. remind you they were the masterminds behind “My Humps” and Hey Mama” a guilty pleasure if you will this song is nothing special. The next single released off the album “a buzz” single as some call it called “Imma bee”(get it?) is down right offensive…we get it B.E.P. your the shit but if you ain’t makin us dance your just shit and I ain’t bout to get down to your voice repeating Imma bee….(imma bee up in the club, imma be rich, imma be rockin like this…etc…And on “Electric City” Fergie reminds us we ain’t riding her dick(hehe*) we are riding her dildo.

It’s not all bad though…just most of it. “Boom Boom Pow” is the easiest to eventually like of the tracks and on “Party All the Time” we have a decent beat and simple lyrics that don’t make me wanna kick Fergie in the box, the beat is very electro/techno and simple which B.E.P. usually has a problem with doing. And they manage keeping the stripped down tone on “I Got a Feeling” the albums second single which is  a song that should be played at your house party while the popular kids are doing it in your swimming pool and the band kids are fucking in your parents room.

Album Grade: F

Call me old fashioned but I find it more exciting when a Disney child star grows up and relizes she looks hot with hooker make up, heels, and no bra, yeah Ashley Tisdale’s (star of The HighSchool Musical franchise) album also comes out this month as well, stay tuned.

So Crack A Bottle..something, something

Eminem/Relapse

I figured in terms of reviewing music Eminem-Relapse was as good as it got at the moment, and I thought about Eminem songs I like, “Superman”, “Shake That”, and that one…? I had the melody and some of the words in my head and I tried to sing it, and ended up singing all three at the same time…turns out the song was “Smack That” (did you “Catch That”?) Really though I just realized these three songs (all from previous albums) are basically the same song and with songs on the new album called My Mom, Must Be The Ganja, and Mr. Mathers I probably don’t even need to listen to it to tell you still the same shit you expect from Eminem, One of the tracks on the album is seriously titled Same Song & Dance… basically. But I am a little disappointed there is no track titled “Fuck That”. I’d say pass on this but really with fans Like Tammy Jo, I’d just be wasting my time.

Album Grade: F

Excuse me Mr. DJ you need to turn it up

Don’t Buy This…

Ciara/Fantasy Ride

Now for those of you fortunate enough not to know Ciara let me explain something for you, she is the gay man from the hood’s Beyonce. Not all loud/crazy/screaming and with the ass, also she can take it to the streets (dance wise) and she does not look like a cave woman. However this compilation of club beats and slow (grindin’) jams is anything but Hood Fabulous.  Only 2 songs are half way decent; Work featuring Missy Elliot and Turntables featuring Chris Brown, (dangerous I know but don’t forget Ciara is from the hood!) with the only good song being Love, Sex, and Magic featuring Justin Timberlake…but come on that’s a little easy we all know anything Justin touches turns to gold, especially when he does those trademark crotch grabs.

Album Grade: D-