Exposé

I’m sitting here waiting for the latest episode of True Blood to load, and I’m wondering a couple of things… 1. why the fuck am I doing this? 2.  is True Blood reading my mind? and 3rd…is Alexander really worth it?

First off, our first answer; True Blood was just supposed to be something to pass the time, during the regular television season hiatus that is. I started realizing early on however this was going to be iffy…I mean would you date Jordin Sparks (notoriously known for shoving her stay a virgin for the rest of your life values on everyone) while waiting to date Lindsay Lohan (notoriously known for, well let’s just say a good time; for both boys and girls). True Blood is never really gonna put out, and if they feel the need to compete with say Lindsay, at best your gonna get a hand job. I mean even Gossip Girl manages to put out, (with a high risk of an std, obviously) and your never gonna find as good as lovin as LOST gives, but really. Fuck True Blood I’m starting to think it’s quite a nice coincidence your newest season ends right as the new regular television season is getting underway. Second Answer. Ok ok I remember when this season of True Blood started and I thought yeah not going back there, then rumors of some hot homo action including Eric (Alexander) would take place this season started, yeah the hot homo action…I would compare it to getting to third base with Jordin Sparks…no you aint seein boobs! Your meeting her parents. Don’t get me wrong True Blood has as much tits and ass out as a Pussycat Dolls concert…but there is that shitty music your put through. So now again that I am deciding it’s time to give up on True Blood, out of nowhere interviews come up quoting Alexander as sayin “Yeah in the upcoming episodes I’m finally getting nude *wink wink*  that’s for you Simon!” Well it’s too late this time True Blood, and that brings us to our third answer, Alexander I’m in love with you, but there is something about first loves that you can never really get over…and who would that be making their return back to television this upcoming fall season? Well that would be Ian Somerhalder (on the CW no less; the place of dreams) and to top it all off Ian’s new show is about Vampires.

yeah Alexander sit the fuck down. I mean besides I’m sure if your nude scenes are all that great I’ll just view them online, much like I did with Ian (Re: Tell Me You Love Me, series) is that a Boone in my pocket or am I just really excited for the new television season? Final verdict, True Blood I think I need to see other people/shows, it’s not me, it’s you.

As for my music coverage there are a couple album reviews comin up, but lately I’ve been listening to Mr. Hudson, who unfortunately does not have an album to yet review but does have some damn good music. I am planning a possible weekly segment on the fabulous life of waiting for a Christina Aguilera album, possible because; we get it and we are sick of performances of your song “Beautiful” Christina. Frankly I refuse to speak of any such performances so the segment might not be possible as a weekly thing…I guess we will see. Obviously there will always be crappy pop songs I love, and never really a shortage of albums fun enough to review…with Mr. Hudson though; well I suggest the tracks “Everything is Broken” and the Amazing “White Lies”  he is produced by douche bag veteran Kanye West, so keep in mind this music may not be for everyone.

Speaking of professional Douche bags, Michael Phelps lost his first major swim in 4 years! I kinda feel bad for the guy considering fellow douche posse, Shia Lebouf, Jon Gosselin, Taylor Swift and Lady GaGa are being so successful at the moment. Seriously though, the only thing anyone is talking about is the recent string of swimsuit malfunctions…both Ricky Berens and Flavia Zoccari had their swimsuits rip, down the back and had their asses hanging out, however Ricky Berens was able to finish, and eventually win his race…while Flavia Zoccari was disqualified, Whut The Fuck? Right? I really hope that Flavia Zoccari disqualified herself due to not wanting to continue swimming in that suit, well cuz double standards make me sad, I however purpose naked swimming here on out, more and more controversy is rising on the certain suits that swimmers are wearing as well because I guess they turn the swimmer into like a cyborg from the future or something. Safest bet all around nude swimming, except you Phelps, you should always have a brown bag over your face…

House of the Rising Sun

It’s been a while but what can I say I’ve been buzzy as a bee! Summer is my season after all…I look really good when I sweat…like at the gym for instance (more on that in a second) this past week I did see Transformers, not much to say about that besides “I think Optimus Prime is a T.I.L.F. and Megan Fox is still the most annoying, overrated person on the planet at the moment.” I realized Mulligans is still the place for summer drinking and one pitcher is always going to end up three pitchers. “Pool Parties” are the best when you are the only one swimming, and it’s fine if you call me Steven, because when I’m done with you I’d prefer you didn’t call me at all. And lastly the weekend came and my quest for fireworks and hamburgers began, which I was able to find fairly easily…just not where I would exactly have hoped…see Steven likes eating hamburgers in a pool and creating his own fireworks. No we haven’t seen the last of Steven just yet this summer…

Now about that gym story, I’d been noticing this guy at the gym. He kept giving me the side eye and I’m like that guy is straight w the f now I know, I know that hasn’t stopped me before, but I’m trying to learn my lesson, or something along those lines…Anyways I think it is important to point out that there is only one place you have less of a chance of picking me up than the club when I’m dancing, and that would be the gym. So this guy at the gym not really important at all, and then I see him run, whutayouknow he is gay. Still does not matter the gym is not the place for such things. Now my water bottle cap is broken so when I go into the locker room to get my things I sit down and remove the cap to my water bottle and down it. I was keeping in routine, that is until gay runner also went into the locker room as well and started undressing but in slow motion…LOL right? That is until it came off and I’m sitting there speechless because of gay runners banging body, and so I go to take a drink of my water bottle, forgetting I had just removed the lid… yep you know the rest. So I think “Fast” gotta work this and I remember at the end of the “dirrty” video when Christina wipes the filth from her mouth and I do this with the water all over my face but then I realize this is all too hilarious and I need to get the fuck outta this ridiculous situation. Can’t really picture this? Here is a similar visual for you:

Well thats it kids, shouldn’t be as busy this week, but I am trying to avoid my withdrawls I’m starting to have…

 

And it doesn’t help much there was no new True Blood this week!

 

?

Man I used to be way more awesome when I smoked; I’m just sitting here waiting for the new episode of True Blood…see whut I mean? There is only so much that can be excused for Alexander…

I still am able to retain some cool though, next week when I go see Transformers2 : Revenge of Linkin Park I’m going to be incredibly shit faced drunk, hell if anyone gots some coke I’ll snort that off your ass before I go see it too…as long as you’re not married! See after watching Obsessed I now fear that at any point Beyonce will jump the fuck outta nowhere and kick my ass. Just imagine…

Beyonce: Bitch Imma kick your skinny ass!

Simon: I’m sorry that I dance better than you to your hit song Single Ladies, but I don’t even like the song so it’s all good.

Beyonce: I know the things you’ve done in the past, things like that white bitch in my new movie “Obsessed”, out in theatres now, did!

Simon:  Look B, you have no one to blame but yourself for that hair, and if those women loved they men so much they shoulda put a ring on it. (You see what I did there?) I don’t fuck around with marriage.

Beyonce: Simon your kinda like a really good person…can you teach me how to dance like you to my hit song “Single Ladies”?

But then Jay-Z would shoot me dead once I tell Beyonce her music sucks more cock than I do. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to meet Christina…

Simon: Christina Aguilera, you’re like really pretty.

Christina: Thanks Simon, you’re like really pretty too.

Simon: I know. Christina Aguilera you’re really dirrty also.

Christina: Oh Simon, you are too kind. But I’m not the one with dirrtface as a nickname. *wink wink*

Simon: That’s true Christina Aguilera, I think I love you.

Christina: I love me too.

Simon: Christina Aguilera is you done with your new album yet?

Christina Aguilera: Oh! Soon, soon, I mean right now I’m just working with some really great producers and people in the music industry and whatnot. I’m trying to get the vision and look and image right for this record. I really want to go the futuristic route, which is just amazing because no one really knows where the future is going.

Simon: Christina Aguilera, just tell me when the eff your album is coming out!

Christina: Soon!

Simon: That is not an answer Christina Aguilera!

Christina: Simon, I don’t think we can be friends anymore you’re kinda trying to limit my artistic vision and artistic look and artistic image.

Simon: Ok, but can we make out before we stop being friends?

Christina: Of course! But Beyonce gonna come for your ass I’m a married woman.

 

A boy can dream can’t he? Anyways back on the topic of my struggle to stay awesome. I start my new shift at work this week, so sleeping everyday will now be a regular basis again. And this is the last week of my current class which if all goes as is I’m passing with a solid C! I’ve developed a pretty big crush on Ashley Tisdale.

 

I’m also about to get knee deep in Final Fantasy 7 which is a huge stretch from the games I’m used to playing . I’m pretty sure this game is gonna start teaching me to think before I act. This is something my parents never really took the time to do. And once I have completed the game me and my brother are purchasing our second ever Blu-Ray movie! Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete, sorry, I Know Who Killed Me your just gonna have to wait a little bit longer to be purchased by me. That is unless of course season one of Gossip Girl gets the Blu-Ray treatment, then Lindsay you are screwed…but not in such a literal sense. Well kids True Blood is about to start…somewhere and I have to regain composure after seeing Taylor Swift movin like a fish outta water while performing Pour Some Sugar On Me at some country music awards…Although I wonder…

**Knock*Knock**

~~ding.dong~~

Simon: Taylor Swift double you tee fuck are you doing at my door?

Taylor: I’m sorry Simon but after the embarrassment of me and my dance moves at some country music awards, I now realize I needa makeover fast!

Simon: hmmm whuts in it for me?

Taylor: We can make an exclusive remix of my song “Teardrops on My Guitar” for you and call it “Teardrops on my Dance floor”

Simon: Well Tee Ess, you got yourself a DEAL!

Taylor: Oh thank you Simon this is such an honor I can’t thank Yo-

Simon: Ok I aint even out the door yet and you on my last nerve, bitch shut the hell up and get me a drink and a cig.

Taylor: Oh, drinking? …Smoking? That’s like some really bad stuff…

Simon: Wait a Minute here…what exactly kind of makeover are you thinking I could help you with? And why haven’t your people got me a pair of cowboy boots yet?

Taylor: …

Simon: didn’t you used to date the Jonas Brothers…did you hit it?

Taylor: Well we were real close one time but I respect myself.

Simon: TSwift, I need you to get off my front step, the dance is not in you there for there is no hope for you and you are dead to me.

Taylor: **singing** you’re the reason for the teardrops on your front step.

Simon: Have your people send my cowboy boots in the mail

**shuts door**

anyways I’ll keep everyone updated on my street cred.

P.s. I love Chuck Bass, and no it’s not about the street cred, it’s real love.

Whatever the Case May Be

If I’m going to have a successful multimillion dollar blog that sometimes reviews music I should probably let people know my taste in music. I am currently listening to White Lies, Dangerous Muse, Innerpartysystem, Kaiser Chiefs, and Franz Ferdinand. Actually wait let me check and make sure they all write their own music, otherwise I am deleting them and their albums from my PC/Life! Oh wait, No what?! Franz Ferdinand has a remix album out? Oh well in that case they really don’t need to write their own music. White Lies…were featured in an episode of Gossip Girl? Well they are safe too…and Dangerous Muse lead singer Furey sometimes tweets me…S.A.F.E.! I actually am pretty sure that all the above mentioned artists write their own music, but so does Lady GaGa and The Jonas Brothers, hell even Fall Out Boy write all those extremely original songs. Really it seems like some singers should in fact sit back and just sing…All I ask for is a good beat to dance to and/or lyrics that make sense. I also like self centered songs boasting about how great the artist/singer is and I’m good to go as far as music is concerned. Something universally easy to swallow, isn’t that what we all want?

On to more personal matters, I must say, I choose my music like I choose my friends can I dance to/on top of/around you? If the answer is yes, we can be best friends! Are you going to impart amazing wisdom on me? Like telling me to protect my heart from men or I might need a first aid kit?! Yes, yes I think you will. My friends might also be different genres of music; Slutty Dance, Stupid Predictable Pop, Laid Back Alternative Country, I Don’t Get You Rock…hmmm what type of music might the straight maybe gay guy be?…oh that’s right Techno Tease.

I wonder what type of music might be currently classified as my friends entering into marriage, probably Lounge Music…safer than Electro, but still not quite a Soulful Ballad. Over and over again I must remind myself that even though I am neither Trance (too slow) nor a Soulful Ballad (obviously) I do need to listen to their music. I mean think about it they aren’t into the gay sex but they have never judged me! Well I mean one of them isn’t into the gay sex she tells me all the time she couldn’t go lesbian… and well the other…Zing! Just kidding about the gay sex, cuz really it was a zing. There is even talk of other upcoming maybe weddings as well; I think its cuz my friends and I are at that age where people start doing things like this, but I just really wanna dance. For my friends though I will listen to whatever song they can play on their wedding white Ipods, wait white is for virgins…hmmm I wonder if I should call my friend and apologize for accusing her of being more like Aerith than Tifa, I could say even though I hear no music what so ever for that dress the important thing is that she hear the music…(I bet it’s the something from the Juno soundtrack) Whatever the case I know my dancing shoes will remain on whilst I listen to their Lounge Music, only time will tell when the next wedding blog will be…

I know, I know your all probably wondering whut exactly type of music/genre might I be? Well that’s simple I am the Christina Aguilera of my friends, not a genre you say? I call bullshit! See Christina staying rooted in pop music has done all types of music from hip hop to blues, jazz to punk, and let’s not forget her upcoming journey into electro/techno dance. There is also just as many visuals to match the different types of music and who doesn’t like something pretty to look at?  Furthermore she even gets involved with many important causes, such as building shelters for abused women and children, rocking the vote and Gay and Lesbian rights…and she’s got great boobs to boot she also writes and produces her own music/albums. See that’s my genre, minus all that charity work, I should probably get on that…