I Got That Rock and Roll, That Future Flow

I giggle sometimes, like when someone says balls, or dick…maybe even if a small child falls down. Lately there has been a lot that I have been giggling about, Kings of Leon(which is what this post was almost an album review of), crappy Pop stars doing electro/techno music that really isn’t electro/techno at all (see previous post “Collision“), Vampires, etc. One thing however that is NOT funny, it is actually serious business, is Religion. So this week when I had “nada” of an idea of what music to review I found a new artist, his name is Simon Curtis, well lookie there another Simon! And even though his album was titled “Alter Boy”…I figured this cute lil’ queer would have some good beats…good beats indeed! Beats that used to belong to Britney, Michael Jackson, And Mr. Timberlake, before this poor man’s American Idol queer reject stole them and decided to be ~controversial~ by singing about Virgin Madonna Queen of Pop (almost as clever as Madge herself right?) and “no touchy the alter boy” along with some spoken prayers over dance floor beats. I was frankly Horrified that The all powerful Lord Almighty was going to strike me down…not for listening to blasphemous music, more like for listening to some straight up fucking piece of shit music. Rich people should not be allowed to make music, case in point: Lady Gaga (see last post “Prostitution Is the World’s Oldest Profession (and I, Dear Madame, Am a Professional”)

Now take a step back remember this: crappy Pop stars doing electro/techno music that really isn’t electro/techno at all? Well here we have made it to The Black Eyed Peas, whose new album The E.N.Ddrops next Tuesday. Now don’t get too excited it is not the end at all…it’s more like The.Energy.Never.Dies (rememeber the good days when I was the only clever bitch in town?) The B.E.P. have decided they are going to promote their new album as electro/techno…why do people in music gotta fuck with me? (yeah Christina your upcoming Electro/Techno album ain’t safe either.)

I’ll give it to The B.E.P. they are safe, very safe. This new electro  “phase” will sell with high school kids big on the house parties, and people who like to fuck each other after a night of drinking down at the local ”on the down low” swingers bar.  There is Electro/Techno in the album don’t get me wrong, “recycled electro/techno” which is just as cheapas Fergie…”Boom Boom Pow” is easy to Dance to and the obvious first single, where B.E.P. remind you they were the masterminds behind “My Humps” and Hey Mama” a guilty pleasure if you will this song is nothing special. The next single released off the album “a buzz” single as some call it called “Imma bee”(get it?) is down right offensive…we get it B.E.P. your the shit but if you ain’t makin us dance your just shit and I ain’t bout to get down to your voice repeating Imma bee….(imma bee up in the club, imma be rich, imma be rockin like this…etc…And on “Electric City” Fergie reminds us we ain’t riding her dick(hehe*) we are riding her dildo.

It’s not all bad though…just most of it. “Boom Boom Pow” is the easiest to eventually like of the tracks and on “Party All the Time” we have a decent beat and simple lyrics that don’t make me wanna kick Fergie in the box, the beat is very electro/techno and simple which B.E.P. usually has a problem with doing. And they manage keeping the stripped down tone on “I Got a Feeling” the albums second single which is  a song that should be played at your house party while the popular kids are doing it in your swimming pool and the band kids are fucking in your parents room.

Album Grade: F

Call me old fashioned but I find it more exciting when a Disney child star grows up and relizes she looks hot with hooker make up, heels, and no bra, yeah Ashley Tisdale’s (star of The HighSchool Musical franchise) album also comes out this month as well, stay tuned.