for some reason I Love This Crappy Song

I don’t know who I have a crush on more these days…Mikey Furey lead singer of Dangerous Muse or Ashley Tisdale. I will say though anytime a pop star can sing a song that is eerily similar to my past, present, or one assumes future life I’m all game.

And Hot Mess by Ashley Tisdale does just that, I leave you to speculate on your own as to where the time line of this song falls. But seriously who can honestly say they have never woke up in their bra and makeup with the car in the drive way parked side ways…well I can’t vouch for a bra, but I used to go heavy on the guy liner…and yeah I pretty much can’t even park straight. The only thing I can’t relate to in this song is the getting speeding tickets line, and well I guess my mail does pile up but that isn’t because I’m in love it’s more like you only have to pay a bill once you open the statement. Bonus: lyrics  in the video!

?

Man I used to be way more awesome when I smoked; I’m just sitting here waiting for the new episode of True Blood…see whut I mean? There is only so much that can be excused for Alexander…

I still am able to retain some cool though, next week when I go see Transformers2 : Revenge of Linkin Park I’m going to be incredibly shit faced drunk, hell if anyone gots some coke I’ll snort that off your ass before I go see it too…as long as you’re not married! See after watching Obsessed I now fear that at any point Beyonce will jump the fuck outta nowhere and kick my ass. Just imagine…

Beyonce: Bitch Imma kick your skinny ass!

Simon: I’m sorry that I dance better than you to your hit song Single Ladies, but I don’t even like the song so it’s all good.

Beyonce: I know the things you’ve done in the past, things like that white bitch in my new movie “Obsessed”, out in theatres now, did!

Simon:  Look B, you have no one to blame but yourself for that hair, and if those women loved they men so much they shoulda put a ring on it. (You see what I did there?) I don’t fuck around with marriage.

Beyonce: Simon your kinda like a really good person…can you teach me how to dance like you to my hit song “Single Ladies”?

But then Jay-Z would shoot me dead once I tell Beyonce her music sucks more cock than I do. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to meet Christina…

Simon: Christina Aguilera, you’re like really pretty.

Christina: Thanks Simon, you’re like really pretty too.

Simon: I know. Christina Aguilera you’re really dirrty also.

Christina: Oh Simon, you are too kind. But I’m not the one with dirrtface as a nickname. *wink wink*

Simon: That’s true Christina Aguilera, I think I love you.

Christina: I love me too.

Simon: Christina Aguilera is you done with your new album yet?

Christina Aguilera: Oh! Soon, soon, I mean right now I’m just working with some really great producers and people in the music industry and whatnot. I’m trying to get the vision and look and image right for this record. I really want to go the futuristic route, which is just amazing because no one really knows where the future is going.

Simon: Christina Aguilera, just tell me when the eff your album is coming out!

Christina: Soon!

Simon: That is not an answer Christina Aguilera!

Christina: Simon, I don’t think we can be friends anymore you’re kinda trying to limit my artistic vision and artistic look and artistic image.

Simon: Ok, but can we make out before we stop being friends?

Christina: Of course! But Beyonce gonna come for your ass I’m a married woman.

 

A boy can dream can’t he? Anyways back on the topic of my struggle to stay awesome. I start my new shift at work this week, so sleeping everyday will now be a regular basis again. And this is the last week of my current class which if all goes as is I’m passing with a solid C! I’ve developed a pretty big crush on Ashley Tisdale.

 

I’m also about to get knee deep in Final Fantasy 7 which is a huge stretch from the games I’m used to playing . I’m pretty sure this game is gonna start teaching me to think before I act. This is something my parents never really took the time to do. And once I have completed the game me and my brother are purchasing our second ever Blu-Ray movie! Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete, sorry, I Know Who Killed Me your just gonna have to wait a little bit longer to be purchased by me. That is unless of course season one of Gossip Girl gets the Blu-Ray treatment, then Lindsay you are screwed…but not in such a literal sense. Well kids True Blood is about to start…somewhere and I have to regain composure after seeing Taylor Swift movin like a fish outta water while performing Pour Some Sugar On Me at some country music awards…Although I wonder…

**Knock*Knock**

~~ding.dong~~

Simon: Taylor Swift double you tee fuck are you doing at my door?

Taylor: I’m sorry Simon but after the embarrassment of me and my dance moves at some country music awards, I now realize I needa makeover fast!

Simon: hmmm whuts in it for me?

Taylor: We can make an exclusive remix of my song “Teardrops on My Guitar” for you and call it “Teardrops on my Dance floor”

Simon: Well Tee Ess, you got yourself a DEAL!

Taylor: Oh thank you Simon this is such an honor I can’t thank Yo-

Simon: Ok I aint even out the door yet and you on my last nerve, bitch shut the hell up and get me a drink and a cig.

Taylor: Oh, drinking? …Smoking? That’s like some really bad stuff…

Simon: Wait a Minute here…what exactly kind of makeover are you thinking I could help you with? And why haven’t your people got me a pair of cowboy boots yet?

Taylor: …

Simon: didn’t you used to date the Jonas Brothers…did you hit it?

Taylor: Well we were real close one time but I respect myself.

Simon: TSwift, I need you to get off my front step, the dance is not in you there for there is no hope for you and you are dead to me.

Taylor: **singing** you’re the reason for the teardrops on your front step.

Simon: Have your people send my cowboy boots in the mail

**shuts door**

anyways I’ll keep everyone updated on my street cred.

P.s. I love Chuck Bass, and no it’s not about the street cred, it’s real love.

Blame It On The Beat, Don’t Blame It On Me.

Ashley Tisdale is a classy bitch  ok, ok not really she’s just Clever. I’m glad I like this album, because I haven’t liked an album in a while and sometimes I like to say nice things about people…especially celebrities!…lol And even more since I’m going to be reviewing the new Jonas Brothers album next I really needed to like an album.

Ashley Tisdale is growing up and a former Disney channel star (she is one of the stars from the High School Musical Franchise) Whut to do, Whut. To. Do? Well there are many options Ashley had, the Britney/Christina route, of obliterating her previous success with Mr. Walt Disney. But that would require talent (or the selling of your Soul in Britney’s case) something that Ashley Tisdale does not exactly have. Don’t get me wrong she is very very pretty, and has potential, so the road Ashley takes is that of Hilary Duff, she will mature but most of her clothes will stay on and you aren’t going to hear lyrics about masturbation or being a prostitute at La Mulan (*snicker*) Rouge. There is a little bit more clever/tongue in cheek promotion here than the Duffster has though.

Growing up means that you decide; your parents have really fucked you in the head, your boyfriend is probably cheating on you, and all the under the table action going on with your best male friend is kinda hot. Oh and also that you like to dance. A lot. The Album titled “Guilty Pleasure” starts out with the track “Acting Out” nothing special here trust me, the message: I’m growing up I wanna dance, have sex on the down low and probably smoke some cigs, I mean hold them for my friend. “Masquerade” has basically the same message except this time she wants to have role playing sex on the down low, and the beat is better. On “How Do You Love Someone” she blames her parents for not being able to love. “Momma never taught me how to love Daddy never taught me how to feel” . LOL! Right? But then Ashley makes you wonder is that the reason your not able to love someone also? Luckily the album changes pace and the next track “Lie To Me” reminds you your just a dirty skank whore and can’t love someone because lying to them is more fun and them lying to you? Even Better.  After that Ashley decides to break up with some of her cheating boyfriends (It’s Alright, It’s Ok, Delete You, Erase And Rewind)  in ways that would make Kelly Clarkson proud, and Dance to beats that are good enough to be Britney’s (Crank It Up, I’m Back, Blame It On The Beat). The albums best tracks are “Hot Mess” (about Ashley and her guy BFF bumpin uglies and it’s making her a “Hot Mess” I mean she’s waking up in her bra and her makeup, the car is even in the drive way parked sideways!) and “What If” (hey Ashley might have talent after all). The Albums worst tracks are without a doubt “Hair” which even my 14 year old sister finds creepy and the title track “Guilty Pleasure” which is a little to 80’s even for me.

Overall the album is a solid pop album, a far cry from a masterpiece but really have you read my previous album reviews, everybody is sucking at the moment in the world of music. Ashley sucks a lot less, especially in the genre she is secretly pimping out.

Album Grade: C+   B cuz she’s just so cute!